It’s 2.50 AM, Saturday.
I don’t know why I ended up here, at this time. I was just about to fall asleep, but here we are.
So, exactly why I posted this is is because… Well, you see, this few days has been… horrible. Like, probably the worst since this semester starts. Took me about 3 days to recover, but I feel like I am okay now so I can start to talk about it. If I wait after I woke up, I am sure I will lose the interest to write. Anyways, so the themes which I’d talk about are disappointment, acknowledgment, and of course, happiness.
I think it started when it was the announcement of BTS fansign event that I applied to, which was two weeks ago. I didn’t get it, which was kinda expected. That didn’t hit me really, so it was fine. Then the same day I applied to get my uni festival ticket, which failed again because the connection crashed. That was quite frustrating, because for the past two years I have been successfully getting it. This year, I couldn’t. Instead, my roommate who I thought wasn’t trying to get it, ended up getting it. I like my roommate, i really had no problem with her at all. But somehow, I don’t know where did this jealousy kinda came to me. Weird. So then, they have another round special for the upperclassmen, a raffle this time not first come first serve basis. I was hoping to get one, yet I didn’t, again. Bad feelings and energy kinda started to build up from here.
Anyway, next during the weekend I was totally busy with studying, the stress and all. Then come Monday, two of my tests went quite well. (I think…) But of course, it had to end badly. I went to McDonalds because I just really want the fries. I went with my laptop, thinking maybe I can study while i’m eating. Bad decision, I poured cola on top of my computer. My keyboard was totally covered with cola. It was a large cola and still more than half. After it poured only about less than 1/4 cola left. It was drenched. I was so shocked. The cola wet my papers as well, the drips went inside my left side shoes. I patted it with some napkins, cola definitely went inside the keys. I went home directly. Since I put my computer sideways on the back, the liquid kinda drips to the side. Once I arrived I asked my roommate for a hair dryer and hope my computer is fine.
Thank god, it’s fine. But i’m writing right now with a weird spongy-like keyboard. Should probably fix it once I get back to Indonesia. But at least, everything works properly. Honestly it would be horrible if something happens to my laptop. I’m a design major and I have A LOT of stuff. Now that reminds me i should probably back it up to my hard disk.
Moving on from Monday. Tuesday was a meh. Did my exam, but I wasn’t quite sure about whether it went ok or not. Finally Wednesday comes… Since I wasn’t having quite a nice week before, I built up my expectation for this day. This Wednesday was supposed to be the announcement of BTS Muster fan meeting raffle. I didn’t have high expectation for the fansign but for Muster I was SO excited. And… I… didn’t get it again. I even tried with two accounts, mine and my sister’s, and both accounts failed. It REALLY sucks. The entire day I was SO SO DISAPPOINTED. That day I had to go to Myeongdong, to help a girl I knew online. Honestly, I wasn’t quite close to her, she only approached me when she needs something. But those kind of people doesn’t really surprise me anymore, I mean we all do that at some point. (Sorry, my leo kinda come out there) So the only reason why I helped her is purely business. To make it short, she sent me money to help her buy albums in Myeongdong to get her to apply for fansign on time. I agreed since I have time anyway, plus I don’t really have to take care of the albums she bought. It wasn’t a big deal. BUT coming back, I was just SO SAD that day, and the process of purchasing the albums was also quite bumpy. After i finished buying, I went back and it was rush hour. I had to wait for the bus home to Incheon for 40 minutes, and ended up having to stand up in a bus for 1 hour ride. Once I arrived, at that point, I was just so tired, so sad, so disappointed, i cried outside while walking back to my dorm. Thank god it was at night, but some people probably saw me. I don’t really care tho. It was the big blow that made me fall.
The next day, that girl that I helped ended up getting into the fansign with only 50 people. AND, I knew this girl also managed to get TWO shows for the fan meeting that I couldn’t get as well. That, truly feels like putting salt on my wound and press it and rub it. You see, that friggin jealousy devil came back again. It’s so unhealthy and the devil was so hard to get rid of it as well. I am sorry, if this girl is somehow reading this. I’m trying hard to be nice but this week has been rough, please understand.
Anyways, so, the constant blows of disappointment and jealousy, really knocked me out. Now here’s the process how I somehow managed to be okay again.
The past few days, I tried to avoid social networks. I ended up avoiding anything related to BTS as well, surprisingly. I actually thought, that maybe BTS no longer give me happiness and actually turned me into a greedy, jealous, thirsty for acknowledgement person.
I didn’t entirely cut them off, because i couldn’t. I still have to manage my business and talk to people on it anyway. But I reduced the time I scroll the timeline endlessly. It gave me time to actually redefining my relationship with BTS. I realized they become a tool for acknowledgment. Things like other’s acknowledgment like, if I didn’t get to their concert, i’m a failed fan kind of thing. So I always compared myself to other fans. This happens not just about BTS tbh, but in everything. School, friends, social networks, etc. I place myself in a kind of self rank? This is why the jealousy devil keeps coming back. Because I felt like I failed to step on the higher rank? I hate being compared, but i compared myself to others. It becomes a habit in my head that I need to fight. Which is not easy.
So BTS in the end I realized I wasn’t unhappy because of BTS. But they’re also not the reason why I am happy. I was unhappy because i define it that way. I make myself happy, not because of other external things, but because I think that way. I define it.
I came into this conclusion after 3 days of crying, lying down, eating junk food, watching movies, and several walks. Such an introvert thing isn’t it. I just hate talking about my problems to other people because I knew at the end of me telling the story I always think that, ah my friend would probably think of this as a stupid problem. That it wasn’t really a big deal, that I exaggerated it. So I prefer my own introvert way. I’m just so glad that since it’s midterm week some project based classes are cancelled. So I actually have time to sulk around without thinking about school work.
I watched Rilakkuma and Kaoru on netflix. It was really good. I really recommended it to watch by others during slow days or bad days. Because the story is really simple but kinda hits you hard. There was an episode about unlucky day. Kaoru ended up seeing things in a different way in the end. I actually cried several times even though it really wasn’t a tear jerking series. It just kinda hits me at the right spot. Definitely to watch list, plus the stop motion animation is REALLY good.
Then today, I went to watch Avengers End Game by myself. I’m glad i did actually. I went back home walking by myself actually feeling happy. I bought the ticket for FREE, because I have a coupon and enough points from buying BTS albums actually. It should’ve cost me 12000 won (or about Rp. 150000). After that I had a starbucks as well, because I didn’t want to go home yet. Once it was 9.30, i went back and walk from the subway to the dorm. It was a really nice walk. A nice after rain breeze to. I was happy.
Just before going to bed, I watched About Time. I thought I have watched it, but I don’t really remember the story. It’s about the guy who can time travel. I just kinda wanted a romance movie, but in the end it taught me about happiness again. Basically, to enjoy the moment is the key to happiness.
I’m still kind of recovering, but i’m ok now. Of course i’d still want to go to the fan meeting if I can, I’m not gonna give up. But even if i couldn’t in the end, i’m gonna be okay.
Before i wrote this, i actually just realized that my phone wallpaper says, “you’ll become happy soon” in Korean. I changed my phone wallpaper when I was avoiding BTS, but I didn’t really realize what it says. These kinds of coincidence is really interesting to me. Thank god, my computer isn’t broken. Thank god I didn’t have class while i’m recovering. Thank god my roommate went back home and i’m alone in my room right now so I can cry freely. Just small coincidences like that… I always think, things happened because it meant to happen. If it doesn’t then there’s a better plan.
So, it’s 4.40 AM now. I should sleep, but pray first of course.
What a long post. I just want to share a story. It’s been SOOOOOO long. I guess this week is meant to happen, because now I kinda grew up, realized more things, understand more things, you know.
Yup, my to do list now is to fight that demon.
Alright, good morning. Bye.
Cia
Teh Manis Dua 